Monday, October 16, 2006

Celery and the Wasp

Wilbur Hucks here, saying howdy once again from Kanner Lake. I was figuring on complaining about all the lingering Edna San hullabaloo, but Bailey says there's enough about it everywhere you turn--even all these weeks later--and folks need something to make them laugh. She wants me to tell another story, so I remembered a good one for you.

When you've grown up in a small town like Kanner Lake and you get to be as old as me, you just naturally know things about folks they'd just as soon you'd forget. This is such a story. It's about Larry Cellaway's grandpa. You remember Larry--the guy who flashed his polka dot undies at the Fourth of July parade?

His grandpa's name was Fitzgerald P. Cellaway, but he preferred to be called Celery, so we all did. Celery and I were driving down Main Street one day when a wasp flew in the window and landed in his hair. The man got real agitated, swatting everywhere. I had to grab the wheel to keep us from going off the road.

"Where'd it go?" Larry yelled.

I couldn't see the thing anymore. "It must have flown out the window."

But that wasp hadn't gone anywhere. Turns out, that evil critter followed south down the path made famous when a plumber bends over. All the sudden Celery got wide eyed. He let go of the wheel, stepped on the brakes and grabbed his backsides with both hands."Agghhh!" he started screaming like a girl, "It went down my britches. Get it out!"

"Are you crazy? I ain't gettin' that wasp!"

We screeched to a stop and ol' Celery just about tore the door off the hinges getting out. He started unhitching his britches when he noticed Freda Johnson and her parents staring wide-eyed from the sidewalk. I'll never forget that sick look of panic on his face. His lips were twisted, his eyes bugging out and his nostrils a-flaring like a racehorse.

I waved him back into the pickup and we took off down toward the city beach. He had one hand down the back of his pants and the other on the wheel. He lost control, and we bumped over the curb and over sand, headed straight for the lake.

"Owww!" he yelped and stepped on the gas.We hit the water with a splash. He was out the door before we even came to a stop in three feet of water. Ol' Celery disappeared under water and came out with his britches in one hand and his undies in the other. I swear half the town came a running to see what happened. I never laughed so hard in all my life.

Well, there you have it and every word of it's true. Celery's wife, Freda, and I still chuckle about it from time to time. You could ask ol' Celery himself if you don't believe me. But not 'til you reach the pearly gates.

-- Wilbur

Posted by ~ Bailey Truitt @ 7:00 AM
Wilbur, you have an awful lot of crazy stories for one man. Either you've lived a very long time, or you make half of 'em up. They're entertaining, though, I'll give you that.
Posted by Anonymous r.j. hager : 9:12 AM
I can understand the horror of having a wasp down your backside. A bee stings once and pays for it. A wasp just keeps on stinging. I once pulled on a pair of shorts that was hanging on the outside line to dry, and there was a wasp inside. Thing got me good--twice. Got me on the front side, but I won't be any more exact than that about the location.
Posted by Anonymous fred wiley : 9:13 AM
Wilbur, may I just say that you are a master story teller!! I could see the whole thing happening...and then made me blush and laugh at the same time!!!
Posted by Blogger Mid Stutsman : 10:40 AM
lol. I love the way you tell a story, Wilbur. You sure tell em with a sting in the tail. You made me laugh and I could picture everything. Too funny.

Can't wait until you tell another one.
Posted by Blogger Rulan : 11:55 AM
Maybe Wilbur and S-Man should team up. Think crazy stories set in Sauria. Not THAT'S a book that would sell.
Posted by Anonymous burt laroy : 2:21 PM
Mr. Hucks, I do believe you have storytelling genes in you, sure enough. I'm just not sure of those genes' veracity.
Posted by Anonymous elizabeth monty : 6:23 PM
Oh, poor Celery! Can't wait for your next one, Wilbur:)
Posted by Blogger Janet Rubin : 7:45 PM
Poor Celery!
Posted by Blogger Air Force Family : 9:07 PM
Wilbur, you're a man after my own heart.
Posted by Blogger The Curmudgeon's Rant : 12:05 PM
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