Wednesday, July 19, 2006

This Retirement Thing

Hi, all, this is Jake Tremaine. Finally it's my turn.

Well, with all the stories being told on his blog, I suppose I ought to add mine for starters. A month ago I walked to Java Joint and almost got ran over by a bull moose. We live a little outside of town, and I was walking down the road minding my own business when I saw it coming, clomping along without a care in the world. Some tourist got out of his PT Cruiser and tried to coax it closer with a half eaten donut! It was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. The moose put his head down and charged. The idiot guy dove back into his fancy car and drove off, but not before that moose rearranged his grill, front quarter panel and driver side window. Suppose I shouldn't have laughed so hard, but the fool deserved everything he got if you ask me.

You believe that, I'll tell you another one.

I've recently officially retired from the saw mill. No more coming home smelling like cedar. I got to say, it's not what I expected. There's no one to do anything with. Half my friends are dead and the rest have one foot on a danged banana peel. I asked Art Baliff and Jeb Johansen to go bass fishing in Lake Pend Orielle and you know the response I got? Art has to go in for dialysis and Jeb's got a colonoscopy. Can you imagine? He'd choose a butt probe over bass fishing. That just ain't Idahoan.

Retirement might be for the birds. I just can't decide. But boredom could drive a man crazy. I've never been a golfer. Everybody tells me the golf courses around here are nice. There's even a famous floating green on the course down at the Coeur d'Alene Resort. That's right, the thing actually floats in the lake. The way I hear it, if you're lucky enough to get your ball on the green rather than in the water, a fancy, shiny wooden boat takes you out there to finish the hole. Now that's classy. All I same, I'm not interested in whacking a tiny ball all over tarnation. And certainly not into a lake.

I'm not a canoe fan either. Never liked slapping at mosquitoes with a paddle. The last time I tried I hit the guy in front of me with the wide part. While he was yelling at me, I hit my head with the handle end. And the tiniest puff of wind would send me flapping into the water. If I wanted to swim, I wouldn't be sitting in a canoe in the first place.

I've lived in Kanner Lake my whole life. It's a great place. I just have to learn how to live here without a job to fill my time. Of course I go down to Java Joint every morning. Sit on my stool, next to Wilbur's. But that can't take a man's whole day. So I'm up for suggestions on some new hobbies or something. Any thoughts out there in blog reader land?

Jake Tremaine

Posted by ~ Bailey Truitt @ 7:00 AM
BUTT PROBE?!! I'll ring yer dad gum neck is what I'll do! You can't just announce to the whole danged world I had a butt probe! And I sure as shootin' didn't choose it over bass fishin' you bleamin' idiot!

That's it. Yesterday you claim you put MY catfish in the slough, when everybody knows I planted that fish. Now you humiliate me in front of thousands--maybe millions! I'm so mad I'm shakin'. You better run Tremaine, cuz I'm comin' over to kick yer aaaa...ankle.

Sorry Bailey, almost slipped. I won't hurt him too bad. Just gonna have a little discussion with the thick-headed fool.

I'll be there in ten minutes, Jake.
Posted by Anonymous Jeb Johansen : 12:22 AM
Uh oh Jake. Looks like your new hobby may turn out to be boxing or running track once Jeb shows up. Might make a good story... think I'll head over too just in case.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7:11 AM
Bailey, can you do something about these men's comments? Such poor taste. I have enjoyed reading this blog, but I shall have to go elsewhere if my sensibilities continue to be offended.
Posted by Anonymous elizabeth monty : 8:39 AM
Dear Ms. Monty:

"These men" were here first.
Posted by Anonymous wilbur hucks : 8:42 AM
Oh, dear. Wilbur just got off the computer and came over to his stool, chuckling. Not always a good sign. I thought I'd better step out from behind the counter and see what's going on.

Ms. Monty, I hope you continue reading our blog. The thing is, I can't sit on top of it every minute, as I have a cafe to run. And we do have some strong personalities here. Perhaps you will enjoy some of the blogger's posts more than others. And when you get to know everyone better, you'll see what wonderful people they all are.

Blessings to you today.
Posted by Blogger ~ Bailey Truitt : 8:51 AM
Jake, how about taking up woodwork? You could make a jewelry box for your wife or daughter or niece. Another idea--get a puppy and train it to be a seeing eye dog. The world is full of new opportunities for us retired men, Jake. You'll find your niche, I'm sure. It took me awhile, but I found mine with genealogy and reading lots of books on history, among other things.
Posted by Anonymous r.j. hager : 8:58 AM
Ms. Monty, I completely understand how you feel. But living among these goons my whole life I can tell you, there's nothing Bailey can do to stop them. In fact, they've become part of the local attraction if you will. I almost feel like I should be eating a bag of popcorn when I watch them argue. It's them, the way they are. It's amusing once you get to know the bone heads, but alas, sometimes we just want to whack
'em over the head with a skillet!
Posted by Anonymous Martha Kindle : 9:02 AM
Hey Aunt Bailey,
What's going on over at Jake's house? Cheif Edwards is there with his lights flashing, that guy from the Kanner Lake Times is parked sideways on Jake's lawn and Jeb Johansen's old beat up truck has one tire up on Jake's front porch! You usually have all the dirt--so tell me what's going on???
Posted by Anonymous Jessie : 9:15 AM
Oh Lord, not again! Those two need a babysitter. Don't worry Jessie, they won't kill each other--they need each other to catch Big Jonah. I'll head on over right now and see if Cheif Edwards needs a hand.
Posted by Anonymous Art Baliff : 9:19 AM
Okay, I've been reading the blog every day because a freind told me about it. Now, I'm starting to feel like I know you Kanner Lake people. So what's going on over there? Did Jeb hurt Jake? Why are the cops involved and is this episode going to be splashed all over the front page of the Times? Somebody better come up with some answers for us bloggers who live too far away to come check things out for ourselves!
Posted by Anonymous Sherry from Wisconsin : 9:48 AM
Well, everybody can calm down. I just came from Jake's place and it was just as little Jessie said. (I know 17 isn't little anymore, Jessie, but you'll always be a little girl to most of us who love you). Jeb's truck was up on the porch, Jared's SUV parked across the lawn and the Chief's lights flashing--but nobody around. I expected to hear yelling and accusations, but there was only silence. I started to wonder if they had actually killed each other, but Mable (that's Jake's wife to those of you from elsewhere)pointed to the backyard without a word. I decided to make a wide swing around her and into the back yard. Still nothing. I followed the well-worn path into the woods that leads to the back of the slough, and started to hear voices. I bumped into Jared coming back up the path. "There's no story here," he said. "Never is."
I kept walking following the voices and laughter. Sure enough, there they were, Jake, Jeb and Chief Edwards fishing off the bank. I'd bet my finest fishing lure that amidst the hollering and swinging fists the Chief simply said,"Is Big Jonah still in the slough?"
That's all it would have taken to have those two running for their poles. He's a real fine cop and knows how to handle the excentrics! Catastrophe diverted.
Posted by Anonymous Art Baliff : 11:15 AM
Well, Jared should've stayed around and he'd of got his story.

We almost got Big Jonah, we did. Come see the pictures.
Posted by Blogger Jake Tremaine : 12:32 PM
Maybe you should spend your time tracking down the biggest tall tales of Kanner Lake and write them up on that blog of yours. You like to tell them well enough, and everyone seems to have at least one. I know my husband has a few.
Posted by Blogger Cora Paxton : 12:49 PM
Jake, I can’t help you with a hobby. But if you’re single, I’m just a hop, skip and a jump away in Spokane.

I always had a thing for loggers. I'd love to meet you!
Posted by Anonymous Freda P. : 12:49 PM
Funny how that "big fish" always gets hooked right after I leave.
Posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 1:35 PM
Lord a'mighty I still got it! Sorry to let you down Freda, but me and Mable been married goin' on a hundred years or so. Ouch! Sorry honey. Uh, make that 42 years.

And Cora I don't tell no tales! It's all the God's honest truth. Why this mornin' we tried catchin' Big Jonah after Jeb and my little altercation and that danged monster of a catfish flew out of the water in slow motion like, and tried to eat my grandson's basketball that was floatin' around. I got pictures to prove it this time! You just click on my name and it'll take you to the pictures Chief Edwards took with his work camera. I'm tellin' you, you ain't never seen the like. Tall tales--bah!
Posted by Blogger Jake Tremaine : 1:40 PM
Okay everyone, this is Vince Edwards, Chief of Police in Kanner Lake. I know this one sounds like a tall tale, but believe me I saw it with my own eyes. Big Jonah swooped out of the water and wrapped his huge mouth around that basketball. When he realized it wasn't food, he couldn't spit it out. Seriously, the ball was stuck. Jonah tried to dive under but the ball was too boyant. I ran to my rig and grabbed the camera. Just when Jake splashed into the water to try and catch Big Jonah, it spit that ball out and took off. I've never seen anything like it in my life and I'm sure I'll never see it again. I know you're all thinking this can't be true. But I posted the pictures on Jake's blog and they're right there for everyone to see. Man, that was amazing!
Posted by Anonymous Chief Vince Edwards : 2:22 PM
Oh boy am I glad everything is okay over there. Jake, I was worried you'd end up in jail over this or maybe Jeb. I feel like I know you all, like you're family. If I ever make it to Kanner Lake, I'll head straight to Java Joint in hopes of meeting you.

But Jake was right! I went to his blog and those pictures are amazing. It's pretty hard to refute the truth of that catfish eating a basketball. You folks take care now.
Posted by Anonymous Sherry from Wisconsin : 7:49 PM
OOOwwweee! That's one big fish. There was one in our pond that my granny always promised herself (and me) she'd catch. We'd feed our fish every day right after I'd get out of school and we could see this one huge mouth coming up to get food. My granny called him "Grandpappy" and she vowed to catch him. She never did, but I landed a five pounder and one turtle so huge, my dad just cut the line.

As for hobbies, hmmmm, I'll have to think on that one, but did you ever think of writing a book about your experiences with Big Jonah?
Posted by Blogger Pammer : 8:54 PM
A book you say, Pammer? It's the God's honest truth I got a lot of amazin' experiences rollin' around in this ol' noggin. You may have hit on somthing big here. I'll have to chew this over some. Thanks and I'm glad someone had the sense to look at my fish pictures!
Posted by Blogger Jake Tremaine : 9:15 PM
Jake, I should send my dad down to Kanner Lake. He retired a few years ago, and I'm sure he can get you started on the road of enjoying your time off. ;)
Posted by Blogger Becca : 9:35 PM
Thanks for cracking me up, Jake. I love humourous blogs and you're definitely making me laugh!
Posted by Blogger Rachel : 9:37 PM
Hey Jake,
Great fish pictures. How about stop by my hobby shop next week and I'll set you up with a different kind of hook. LOL! Crocheting is a viable hobby these days. I bet you find it harder than hooking those worms. I dare ya?
Posted by Anonymous Mollie/Hobby House of Kanner Lake : 10:27 PM
Good Grief, Molly,
I figured when I retired I was gettin' up there in age and the women would finally let me be. But I see now I'm just as desirable as I was 40 years ago! Whooooeeee! It feels great! But you can dare me all ya want, I ain't no girlie-man and I wouldn't know what to do with a crotchet hook if ya gave me one. I'll stick to fishin' hooks 'til I keel over dead--hopefully fishin'!
Posted by Blogger Jake Tremaine : 7:39 AM
JAKE TREMAINE, YOU GIT HOME! Who's computer are you using now? See what Bailey started with this blog nonsense? Stop acting like a big fool, thinkin' these women are interested in your wrinkled up ol' butt. You probably have half the town laughing at you. By the way, I saw Jeb and Art heading down to the slough earlier--I suppose they're after Big Jonah. Now breakfast is on, so git home, ya hear?
Posted by Anonymous Mable Tremaine : 7:45 AM
Why them sneaky, no good, low account, rotten excuses for friends! The minute my back's turned they try to steal my fish! I'll be right there, Mable. Get my pole ready--and my potato gun and two fresh taters. Them two's gonna feel my tater pellets today!
Posted by Blogger Jake Tremaine : 7:48 AM
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